Losing a loved one is linked with the utmost range and realization of emotions.
Grave expressions, somber moods, unbearable abandonment, nonstop confusion, all set in the moment when time seems to defiantly pause.
No event could possibly prepare you for the grieving process. The moments of denial, anger, sadness, pleading flip flop day to day, hour to hour, and sometimes, even minute to minute. Just when you think you’ve found some sort of peaceful acceptance, the tender and raw emotions build up against the dam and flood your mind, drowning any remaining happiness.
You were my rock. You were my friend, my boyfriend, the keeper of secrets, the adventurous spirit that complemented mine, the knowledge, and my everything else. A loving and patient genius who I was lucky to have.
The mornings are always the hardest. I always read about protagonists waking up in the morning, uttering, “oh, it wasn’t just a dream,” and not wanting to even get out of bed. Each day, the blanket feels ten pounds of warmth, and getting out is the utmost of challenges.
I do though. I get up, and start my day. It’s what must be done.
I do it for him. I do it for my family. I do it for my friends. I do it for myself.
Taking a break from touring, I’m fortunate to be spending this week with my family, showered in love and support. We are in Seattle for my cousin’s wedding at the Fairmont Hotel. I must say the big comfy white bed is quite consoling.
I’m happy to be with my family, trying to see the beauty and make the best of the situation in this game of life.
Focusing on the color in a painfully boring sport. It was weird not texting him about having to go to another stupid baseball game. I miss him so much.
How do you get through such a devastating situation? Belief and spirituality. I truly believe that Grant is not gone; he is off exploring, opening new doors and finding more adventures.
I cry and feel, because that’s what needs to be done.
Rest in peace Grant Oakes Green, my love. (Obituary here)
For today, hold tight to your loved ones.